ViewGuide

Created Dec 26, 2007 03:17AM PST • Edited Dec 26, 2007 03:17AM PST

1. Quality

2. Summary

   Barely OK 2.0

   ALIENS VS. PREDATOR – REQUIEM was, sadly, a disappointment. How on planet earth could filmmakers mess up a simple concept of a duke-out between two alien rivals with two movies? How?!?!?!?! Apparently, center the movie on absolute piece of trash characters who speak wooden, cringe-worthy dialouge that would make George Lucas envious; have the two advisaries walk the entire movie. Yes, walk. With the expception of probably five minutes of film, all the Predator or Aliens do is walk, crawl, growl, jump, or pose.

4. Acting

   Pretty Awful 0.5

   Academy Awards could be given to friggin’ stick figures with voice overs compared to these extremely horrible and excruciatingly bad “performances”. Every ‘actor’ – and I use that word loosely – delivers their lines with deadpan and horrendous voices, not even bothering to inject some form of life or soul into their characters. Not even Reiko Aylesworth of “24” fame is able to fathom some sort of enthusiasm. The dialogue of George Lucas and the actors speaking his words monotone is nothing compared to this diabolical of junk. At least we got a beautiful leading lady in the form of

5. Male Stars Pretty Awful 0.5

6. Female Stars Pretty Awful 0.5

7. Female Costars Pretty Awful 0.5

8. Male Costars Pretty Awful 0.5

10. Film

    OK 2.5

11. Direction OK 2.5

    Overall, decent. The Strauss Brothers appearntly sought to mimick the threatning, ominous atmosphere of the original PREDATOR and ALIEN, but, I regret to say, they don’t manage to emulate it at all. Hey, still better than Paul W.S. Anderson.

12. Play Pretty Bad 1.5

    I never thought I would say this, but the dialouge of The WB’s old television program 7TH HEAVEN had waaaaayyy better dialouge than this junk.

13. Music Good 3.0

    The real nifty part of AVP-R was the score. Albeit nothing spectacular, the “End Credits” composition was rather engaging and adrenaline-inducing. Spread throughout the movie was hints of the original scores for ALIEN and PREDATOR. Serviceable.

14. Visuals Very Good 3.5

    Typically, I’m a 2.35.1 or 2.40.1 enthusiast, but watching AVP-R, I couldn’t help but think it would have benefited being 1.85.1; in my opinion, it would have improved the ominous atmosphere.

15. Content

16. Edge

    Risqué 2.0

    For a movie about two alien beings supposed to beat the living bugger out of each other, this was a rather tame flick.

17. Sex Innocent 1.3

    A girl strips to her bra and panties, that’s ’bout it.

18. Violence Brutal 3.0

19. Rudeness Salty 1.6

    AVP-R is rated R, so the mandatory vulgar words are utilized to the filmmaker’s hearts desire.

21. Reality

    Supernatural 3.2

    I’m sure not many of you knew this, but Michael Bay sent out a camera crew to film this monumental event in the outskirts of Los Angeles. Seriously, this is a bloody documentary! Listen, just ‘cause it doesn’t have a wobbly camera doesn’t mean I’m not right!

22. Circumstantial Supernatural 3.2

23. Biological Supernatural 3.2

24. Physical Supernatural 3.2