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Created Jun 29, 2013 02:47PM PST • Edited Jun 29, 2013 02:47PM PST

1. Quality

2. Summary

   Perfect 5.0

   This movie is one of the funniest movies ever made and is the industry’s best chance for a billion dollar franchise should Sandra and Melissa make four more capturing their rare chemistry together in this genre. It is a rare movie that creates an entire theater experience enjoyable from the moment you hand your ticket to the kid with the name you cannot pronounce to the reviews the husbands share while they wait outside the ladies room. It used to be that women went to the movies to see Tom Cruise, now they go to see Sandra Bullock. Flocks of them storm the theater fussing over seating, apologizing for the seat selections among their groups of friends and worrying out loud in private about their lives, everything from their car to their laundry to the men in their lives. Then the movie starts and they all now they can escape from it all for a while. They trust Sandra and Melissa, and it is well placed. Once America stops feeling sorry for itself, the new majority will be the Bullock majority.
   While anyone could have speculated on Sandra’s and Melissa’s roles, nobody could have expected such a rich script and the degree of execution by these two actresses for a story told hundreds of times over at the theater. I no longer crave any Dumb and Dumber remakes, and although I will forever miss Anna Farris, the truth is humor found its final destination in this movie. It has been five miserable years in America and this movie will be remembered as a historical oasis of release, where you could laugh out loud in a room full of strangers as if you were laughing with your closest friends over a small shared experience. Its that unique aspect of the movie that elevates a Really Great movie to Perfect, valuing the fourth dimension of timing in a way very few movies can.

4. Acting

   Great 4.0

   America has found its Helen Mirren in Sandra Bullock, a life time of value in her craft uniquely adapted for our culture. And I mean where did Melissa McCarthy come from? And don’t give up on chemistry. These two have a lifetime of it in front of them. Scene after scene of unending humor. The drunken bar scene is one of Hollywood’s funniest scenes ever. But Melissa’s hurdling of the fence, the visit to Melissa’s house to see her family, the scenes with the actresses and the DEA, Sandra’s fashion makeover at the club, the great search for Captain Wood’s manhood, all would have been the highlights of other movies. Then the constant stream of lines fill the movie between them. The line about Rosetta Stone was just priceless.

5. Male Stars Good 3.0

   Men are just props in this movie, as third party pieces to fill in the story. Melissa’s brother (Michael Rappaport) is the closest thing to a role among the males, and given the elevation to their roles by Sandra and Melissa, he had no chance to be anything other than filler. He is a solid actor but this movie is just not about him. There is no shame in that, these two women in these two roles would have dwarfed anyone.

6. Female Stars Perfect 5.0

   We have traveled full circle now in Sandra Bullock’s career. She is now capable of executing dramatic and comedic roles with all the ease of the professional she is. Meanwhile, men all across America are praying for year-round football to extract themselves from conversations of menopause with their wives and women’s health with their mother-in-law. Only Melissa McCarthy will get them through it in a way that will keep them all militantly heterosexual. It is just difficult to imagine this movie being anything other than a flop without these two women in these two roles.

7. Female Costars Really Great 4.5

   Jane Curtain played a northeastern mom real well, and Kaitlin Olson tried real hard to be a Bulgarian hooker.

8. Male Costars Really Great 4.5

   None of these guys hurt themselves, they all deserve a paycheck from this one. They need to count their lucky stars they were in the cast and served a purpose. The guy who carved a niche for himself was Spoken Reasons, but mainly because he was able to add to the rich script with his style.

10. Film

    Really Great 4.5

    The flaws in production were easily overwhelmed by the script and performances. But if you consider that Sandra Bullock was stabbed three times in the leg and bled, then you wonder where was the blood when she was crawling around the hospital floor afterward.

11. Direction Really Great 4.5

    Yeah look, a true professional might be able to convince me that some the affect of these two women was delivered in part by the direction but really all Paul Feig had to do was know enough to point the cameras and the microphones at them.

12. Play Really Great 4.5

    The real shocker here is that how could an old workhorse story be adapted and told again to the great result it is.

13. Music Really Great 4.5

    Music is a touch too third world but you find yourself laughing so much it doesn’t matter.

14. Visuals Great 4.0

    The one area where something was in the movie that didn’t need to be was the scene where Sandra performed a tracheotomy. It was saved by Melissa’s Heimlich maneuver. But the best integration of visuals with script was the use of the albino DEA agent and the dialog he had with Melissa’s character.

15. Content

16. Edge

    Risqué 2.5

    There is likely going to be those who disagree, but after 30 years a few murders and and some torture is relatively tame stuff, and I don’t tend to mind endless personal rudeness unless I experience it in the parking lot myself.

17. Sex Innocent 1.0

    Absent

18. Violence Fierce 2.0

    Mildly fierce, but then again it all has been for me since Dustin Hoffman had his tooth drilled in Marathon Man.

19. Rudeness Nasty 4.5

    Yeah look, it was great coming all from Melissa’s character

21. Reality

    Natural 1.0

22. Circumstantial Natural 1.0

23. Biological Natural 1.0

24. Physical Natural 1.0