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Created Jul 05, 2011 05:12PM PST • Edited Jul 05, 2011 05:12PM PST

1. Quality

2. Summary

   Barely OK 2.0

   By far the most disappointing of the Pirates saga, On Stranger Tides delivers harrowing action, witty one-liners, and no originality whatsoever besides the title. Jack sparrow and the crew (now without Will and Elizabeth) have reached the end of their reign as the masters of the sea. I’d now rather give that title to Spongebob and Patrick.

   The plot is so thin, disjointed, and jumbled that it makes a plate of angel hair pasta look like a pack of uncooked spaghetti. There is so much going on that only three movies would tell everyone’s tale accurately and doing that would be a terrible financial decision. To be simple about it, Britain, Spain, the good pirates, and, and the bad pirates all want to find the fountain of youth. And a struggle it will be. Throw in a breed of mutant mermaids, some zombies, and wit that is now becoming as dry as a desert and you get the latest, and hopefully last, in the Pirates movies.

   Entertainment value is there, but not good enough to support 2.5 hours and the fact that this is film #4.

4. Acting

   OK 2.5

   Johnny Depp is back as Jack and Keira Knightly and Orlando Bloom ran off to Neverland, where hopefully they’ll never be asked to do another movie in this series. But in all honesty, if those two hadn’t left, I might be giving this film a better review. My bitter feelings come from the drastic change. Try doing another Harry Potter film without Ron and Hermione.

   As a replacement, Penelope Cruz joins the wolf pack, but I just couldn’t warm up to her. Her personality was painfully one-dimensional to the point where I didn’t care what was going to happen to her. Geoffrey Rush was still good, while Depp lost some of his spunk despite his performance being the same. I guess the tank is almost empty. Even Ian McShane was dry as Blackbeard. Surprisingly, I shuddered more around Davy Jones, even though most people would usually laugh if they saw an octopus attached to someone’s head.

5. Male Stars OK 2.5

6. Female Stars OK 2.5

7. Female Costars OK 2.5

8. Male Costars OK 2.5

10. Film

    OK 2.5

    I have used Final Cut Pro, the same software used for films such as 300 and Corpse Bride and I could honestly say that I could have cut a more coherent version of this film. If you came in late and missed five minutes while in the restroom, you would have no clue that Spain was involved in this movie. So why include that element at all?

    The music and visuals remain very good, but the banter didn’t grab me the way it used to in the earlier movies. Did I mention that the editing stunk?

11. Direction Pretty Bad 1.5

12. Play OK 2.5

13. Music Really Great 4.5

14. Visuals Great 4.0
15. Content

16. Edge

    Risqué 2.0

    This is tamer than the second and third films, and depending on the child, would be almost certainly appropriate for family viewing.

17. Sex Innocent 1.5

18. Violence Fierce 2.5

19. Rudeness Salty 2.0

21. Reality

    Fantasy 5.0

22. Circumstantial Fantasy 5.0

23. Biological Fantasy 5.0

24. Physical Fantasy 5.0