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Created May 04, 2010 04:50PM PST • Edited May 04, 2010 04:54PM PST

1. Quality

2. Summary

   OK 2.5

   It’s no secret that I hate Micheal Bay and his shitty production company, Platinum Dunes, and there constant remaking of classic horror movies. The Texas Chainsaw remake sucked, the Amityville remake was actually pretty enjoyable, the Hitcher remake is one of the worst movies of the decade, and the Friday the 13th remake was crappy as all hell and was one of the worst movies of 2009. Surprisingly, however, I somewhat enjyed their Elm Street remake. Maybe it’s because Micheal Bay didn’t write or direct it (he co-wrote all the shitty ones), or maybe it’s because the Hitcher, TCM, and Friday remakes were all much carppier, but one thing’s for certain: This is certainly more in the vein of Amytiville 2005, and less in the vein of Friday the 13th 2009. Sure, it’s not a great remake like The Crazies or My Bloody Valentine 3D

4. Acting

   Barely OK 2.0

   The film’s best feature, really.

5. Male Stars Good 3.0

   While no one can really replace ol’ Robert as Freddy, Jackie Earle Hayley did a great job playing the dream killer himself. The man’s a great actor, and his use of his Rorschach voice from Watchmen fit the character really well. In fact, it almost makes up for that awful makeup job they gave him. Kyle Gallner, who I really like, did a great job playing Quentin, the Johnny Depp role from the first. He’s also a very good actor, and I was pretty convinced by his performance. Another highlight was Thomas Dekkar as Jesse. The dude can really emote,and plays a very good asshole. A real pleasure to see was the great Clancy Brown (the Kurgen from Highlander) as Quentin’s dad. The dude’s an awesome actor, and it was great to see him again.

6. Female Stars Good 3.0

   The girl who played Nancy I liked alot. I loved Heather Langenkamp, obviousely, but this gril did a great job. She played Nancy as being more quiet and reserved, and that actually fit her well. The girl who played Kris did a good job too, and can scream really well.

7. Female Costars Awful 0.0

8. Male Costars Awful 0.0

10. Film

    OK 2.5

11. Direction OK 2.5

    The direction was hit-and-miss for me. This guy is certainly better than that other Platinum Dunes hack Marcus Nispel, but the film seemed lazy at some points. The dream sequences were well directed, though, and the cinematograghy was very good. It’s a pretty-looking film, that’s for sure. Overall, decent directing job.

12. Play OK 2.5

    Eh, the dialogue was OK. I do, however, like the concept of micro-naps. It is very real, and I’m surprised it hasn’t been used in another Nightmare film, considering how interesting and useful it is.

13. Music OK 2.5

    Decent, I guess. I don’t really remember much of the music, to be honest.

14. Visuals OK 2.5

    Again, the cinematograghy is great, and this is a very clean and neat-looking film. No complaints here.

15. Content

16. Edge

    Risqué 2.2

17. Sex Titillating 1.7

    For a slasher movie, there really wasn’t any tittage at all. That’s right. No nudity. The closest we get is a kiss and Kyle Gallner in a speedo. Sorry, but I could have used a little more of the sex factor.

18. Violence Fierce 2.4

    Don’t get me wrong, this is a violent movie. There’s lots of blood and corpses, that’s for sure. The problem is that the kills just weren’t creative at all. I was blown away by the creativity of the kills in the origional. In this one, however, Freddy just stabs and slashes with his glove. The kills were just REALLY lazy in this.

19. Rudeness Salty 2.4

    Eh, we get a few “shits” and “fucks”, but nothing more. Pretty tame, really.

21. Reality

    Fantasy 5.0

    It’s a dead pedo killing people in your dreams. What do you think?

22. Circumstantial Fantasy 5.0

    Again, dead pedo dream killer. Need I say more?

23. Biological Fantasy 5.0

24. Physical Fantasy 5.0

    OK, I’m not even gonna say it again…