ViewGuide

Created Jan 09, 2010 08:31AM PST • Edited Jan 09, 2010 08:31AM PST

1. Quality

2. Summary

   Pretty Bad 1.5

   Ain’t nothing like a fantastically preposterous death to turn a bookish, unlucky-in-love statistic at a cosmetics company into a crime-fighting sexpot. In the dreadful “Catwoman,” Halle Berry inhabits a distinctly different titular character than Michelle Pfeiffer did before her, Berry’s R’n’B superdiva trying to piece together the story of her own death following her discovery of feline-esque powers. It’s an opportunity for the actress to flaunt her sexiness, though director Potif’s ridiculous superhero movie plays like the Beyonce-inspired pretender to real films of this ilk (like, say, Christopher Nolan’s excellent “Batman Begins”/“Dark Knight” two-punch). For people who don’t actually think materialistic jackasses whose whole gig is to emphasies their own superficialities, the supporting characters surrounding Berry will be tolerable, yet anyone else is likely to find themselves wishing the cardboard cutouts sucking up the screentime somehow find themselves offed in the midst of Catwoman Patience Philips’ struggle against the nefarious former employer (whose evil scheme involves the sale of bad face cream – Jesus no!) behind the demise she met pre-Midnight the Cat. Theirs is, however, a battle that makes for much ado about nothing, screenwriter John Brancato and Mike Ferris fashioning a storyline and plot of approximately zero sociopolitical depth and no worthy place in the cinematic subgenre it inhabits while main man Potif focuses predominately on the movie’s cheap, distracting special effects sequences – all of them revolving around our sultry heroine’s self-aware nighttime frolicking. Content to pimp out her own good looks instead of turning in a decent performance, Berry warrants her Golden Raspberry and all the negative stigma that comes with her performance, a display of so much amateurishness it would almost have to be seen in order to be believed. Made with a fine sense of rhythm, “Catwoman” can never escape the impression of terrible cinema and is, yes, the most awkwardly rendered superhero flick in movie memory.

4. Acting

   Bad 1.0

   I’ll give Sharon Stone slight benefit of the doubt, but fact is that she’s still pretty lousy to watch. Ever-pretty as she is as the film’s purring supervixen, Halle Berry turns in one of the most dreadful screen performances in recent memory – and certainly the worst of her career. Otherwise, everyone from the bland love interest to the comical stick-figures making up Catwoman’s empire nemesis is staggeringly one-note and, indeed, terrible in their performance. At least in this instance, bad ideas have been thrown in the direction of little thespian talent.

5. Male Stars Bad 1.0

6. Female Stars Bad 1.0

7. Female Costars Pretty Bad 1.5

8. Male Costars Bad 1.0

10. Film

    Pretty Bad 1.5

    The dialogue the cast are force to recite are so shockingly broad and silly that it’s tricky not to ultimately feel sorry everytime they utter one of the screenwriter duo’s eyeroll-worthy catchphrases. I guess “Catwoman” is easy on the eyes for the most part, being directed with a keen eye for the pretty scenes its central city are giving of, yet everytime the task of having Berry leap about the screen in her feline-like fashion comes about the movie fails miserably. These effects are as distracting as the one-liners, robbing significantly from any aesthetic appeal the film generally retains. As a director, Potif has a name worthy of his crude talents, while the less said about the movie’s dull, obvious use of an R’n’B-centered score the better.

11. Direction Pretty Bad 1.5

12. Play Bad 1.0

13. Music Pretty Bad 1.5

14. Visuals Barely OK 2.0
15. Content

16. Edge

    Tame 1.5

    One supposes the looks shared between Patience and her detective love would be described as “fierce” by Tyra Banks, but this would-be appetizer of a superhero flick is relatively tame throughout.

17. Sex Innocent 1.5

18. Violence Gentle 1.5

19. Rudeness Polite 1.5

21. Reality

    Surreal 3.0

    Is it a bird? A plane? Christopher Reeve? Nah, just a leather-clad diva battling out against villains equally devilish and preposterous. Mmm, tuna.

22. Circumstantial Surreal 3.0

23. Biological Surreal 3.0

24. Physical Surreal 3.0