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Created Jul 17, 2009 04:36AM PST • Edited Jul 17, 2009 04:36AM PST

1. Quality

2. Summary

   Awful 0.0

   “Armageddon” is quite possibly one of the worst movies I’ve ever seen. An action movie centric around the possible destruction of the human race minus the tension and humanity treatment of such an apocalyptic scenario demands, director Michael Bay has instead rendered “Armageddon” an exercise in crass, juvenile action filmmaking. Groan-worthy jokes and one-liners about movies as “Star Wars,” seperate each incomprehensible or just plain soulless explosion from another, Bay cataloguing all the calling cards of impersonal movies in the never-believable dialogue actors like Bruce Willis, Liv Tyler and Ben Affleck recite while laughing their way to the bank. Amazing, really, how Bay can turn the kind of movie Spielberg might have made a masterwork into a disaster whichever way its divided. The deaths of thousands of people are shown as superficial entertainment, the idea of this mass destruction as entertainment horrible in and of itself but made even worse by the time Bay contradicts himself, asking us to care about the sacrifices Bruce Willis’s Harry S. Stamper makes but not truly providing much sympathy for the billions of people back on Earth. A Texas-sized asteroid races towards the Earth and threatens mankind, so NASA round up a gaggle of two-dimensional characters to blast into space to stop it. Music swells and loud bangs abound as their mission draws closer and eventually comes into action, but Bay is more interested in obnoxious noise than anything relatable. For good measure, he shoehorns in his usual mix of banal innuendos, a hammy and ridiculous love story between Tyler and Affleck, and an illiterate black man. The less said about "Armageddon’"s idea of wit, the better; The less said about its idea of genuine excitement, the better; The less said of director Michael Bay’s awful filmography, the better. For him, “Armageddon” might be the nadir.

4. Acting

   Bad 1.0

5. Male Stars Barely OK 2.0

6. Female Stars Pretty Awful 0.5

7. Female Costars Pretty Awful 0.5

8. Male Costars Bad 1.0

10. Film

    Pretty Awful 0.5

    The best thing about Armageddon is an Aerosmith song.

11. Direction Awful 0.0

12. Play Awful 0.0

13. Music Barely OK 2.0

14. Visuals Pretty Awful 0.5
15. Content

16. Edge

    Risqué 1.8

17. Sex Innocent 1.5

18. Violence Gentle 1.5

19. Rudeness Salty 2.5

21. Reality

    Surreal 3.0

22. Circumstantial Surreal 3.0

23. Biological Surreal 3.0

24. Physical Surreal 3.0