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Created Jul 04, 2009 04:17PM PST • Edited Jul 04, 2009 04:17PM PST

1. Quality

2. Summary

   Bad 1.0

   Save for a surprisingly effective sequence shot inside a church, “One Missed Call” manages the spectacular feat of being totally devoid of scares, content instead to dole out the same tired scare tactics and chintzy effects that have been a staple of the supernatural genre for God knows how long. Word of mouth describes the original “One Missed Call” as a second-rate “Ringu” rip-off, but it’s difficult to imagine that film comparing to the levels of derivation and bumbling idiocy boasted by Eric Valette’s film. Like “Catacombs,” “One Missed Call” devolves into a film about Shannyn Sossamon crawling around in the dark, but not before we’re introduced to her gaggle of insufferable — and stupid to the point of parody — friends, all of whom begin to fall victim to a mysterious phenomenon, phone calls of their own apparent voices warning of their deaths. This is “The Ring” meets “Final Destination” with a flimsy subplot involving a disturbed little girl thrown in to pad out this superficial thriller’s runtime. Pseudo-ominous dreck dumbed-down to such an incredible degree that it would require watching if it weren’t so trying a task — it ain’t so bad it’s good, it’s bad.

4. Acting

   Pretty Bad 1.5

   Sossamon gets by on her looks, while no one else deserves a name mention.

5. Male Stars Pretty Bad 1.5

6. Female Stars Barely OK 2.0

7. Female Costars Pretty Awful 0.5

8. Male Costars Bad 1.0

10. Film

    Bad 1.0

11. Direction Bad 1.0

12. Play Pretty Awful 0.5

13. Music Pretty Bad 1.5

14. Visuals Pretty Bad 1.5
15. Content

16. Edge

    Tame 1.4

    It’s for the little kids, really.

17. Sex Innocent 1.1

18. Violence Gentle 1.4

19. Rudeness Salty 1.6

21. Reality

    Fantasy 4.5

22. Circumstantial Fantasy 4.5

23. Biological Fantasy 4.5

24. Physical Fantasy 4.5