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Created Mar 13, 2019 04:32AM PST • Edited Mar 16, 2019 06:03PM PST

1. Quality

2. Summary

   Barely OK 2.0

   Why do remakes suck? Well, not all remakes suck, but Hollywood remakes of foreign films usually do. Consider Cold Pursuit. Lacking the droll charm of its Norwegian original, it’s more ugly than enjoyable.

   Let us count the mistakes vis-a-vis In Order of Disappearance, the perfect movie it seeks to replicate.

   • Liam Neeson lacks the comedic instincts – dry, very dry – of Stellan Skarsgård. Given that Skarsgård is a moviestar in America, why not simply have him reprise the role he originated? Instead, the producers went for a bigger name in Neeson, tanking their movie in the process.
   • The original pitted ethnically different gangs against each other, but didn’t suggest racist intent. Not so the woke creators of Cold Pursuit, whose movie encapsulates Hollywood’s view of an America full of racist, sexist pigs living lives devoid of spiritual existence. Laughing yet?

   Sadly, I felt the need to view Cold Pursuit because of how terrific In Order of Disappearance was.

   Don’t make the same mistake.

4. Acting

   OK 2.5

   Liam Neeson should never play a comedic role again, even a black comedy role like in Cold Pursuit.

   • Laura Dern is fine as his wife.
   • Michael Eklund isn’t very good as a midlevel crime boss.
   • Tom Bateman is especially insipid as a top-level crime boss, even if the role calls for some level of insipidness.
   • Julia Jones doesn’t exactly jump offscreen as his ex-wife, but doesn’t fade into it either.
   • Emmy Rossum acquits herself quite well as a savvy police officer.

5. Male Stars Barely OK 2.0

6. Female Stars Good 3.0

7. Female Costars Very Good 3.5

8. Male Costars Barely OK 2.0

10. Film

    Barely OK 2.0

    Hans Petter Moland, the director, also directed the Scandinavian noir classic that Cold Pursuit remakes. Thus, the blame must lie in the rewritten script.

11. Direction Good 3.0

12. Play Bad 1.0

13. Music OK 2.5

14. Visuals Good 3.0
15. Content

16. Edge

    Risqué 2.4

17. Sex Innocent 1.0

18. Violence Savage 3.7

19. Rudeness Profane 2.6

21. Reality

    Glib 1.7

22. Circumstantial Surreal 3.0

23. Biological Natural 1.0

24. Physical Natural 1.0