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Created Sep 08, 2017 11:37PM PST • Edited Sep 23, 2017 11:23PM PST

1. Quality

2. Summary

   Very Good 3.5

   The Hitman’s Bodyguard doesn’t disappoint. Amoral shoot-em-ups are rarely so accomplished, or funny. Samuel L. Jackson – in his monthly movie – opens the second reel, finally putting the personality into overdrive. Yet even with that, the movie is 15 minutes, or roughly one car chase, too long. It shoulda been an hour-45 instead of two, but you can’t say it doesn’t offer a lot of entertainment for your movie dollar.

   Mostly, it’s funny as hell, with three moviestars who know how to deliver the laughs, and another who’s a past-master at playing a supremely evil villain, leading to roughly one LOL per 50 KIAs. The kill count appears to be around 400, so that’s eight solid LOLs, not an insignificant laughfest for an action-comedy.

   Now a word about each of the four big, big moviestars.

   • The camera loves Ryan Reynolds, the microphone not so much. Dude doesn’t have much voice.
   • The camera applauds Samuel L. Jackson, the microphone even more. Nobody delivers a declamatory line better than SLJ. Plus, the badass owns Muthafucker, muthafucker.
   • The camera lusts after Salma Hayek, as bodacious a screen queen as you’ll ever see.
   • The camera warms to Gary Oldman: Least Likely To Succeed moviestar who’s one of the greatest.

   Then there’s the bile that this amoral crapfest should rightly bring up, given that it features a prototypical ex-Soviet dictator who employs de facto Islamist terroristic techniques in the heart of European cities. Gag.

   Simply check your humanity at the door and enjoy the ride. The Hitman’s Bodyguard delivers.

4. Acting

   Very Good 3.5

   • Ryan Reynolds wallows while being supremely good-looking. If only his voice were an octave lower.
   • Samuel L. Jackson is straight outta Central Casting as one of the world’s most notorious hitmen.
   • Salma Hayek is smoking hot as his equally merciless wife, in one of her best roles.
   • Gary Oldman nails the merciless dictator of Belarus, just as he’s nailed so many villains before, from Sid and Nancy to Bram Stoker’s Dracula to Air Force One.

   Élodie Yung underwhelms as the love interest, as do most of the rest of the large cast, other than Joaquim de Almeida as an Interpol mucky-muck, who wears it well.

5. Male Stars Great 4.0

6. Female Stars Good 3.0

7. Female Costars OK 2.5

8. Male Costars Great 4.0

10. Film

    Very Good 3.5

    The Hitman’s Bodyguard has a James Bond gone to seed vibe about it. The credits name an estimated 400 stuntmen, which seems to also match up with the roughly equivalent body count.

11. Direction Great 4.0

    Patrick Hughes did an equally entertaining job directing The Expendables 3 a couple years ago. The man is a maestro of absurdly over the top action pieces.

12. Play Good 3.0

13. Music Great 4.0

    Atli Örvarsson’s original soundtrack has plenty of Bond Theme style horns and faux-surf guitar, plus more than a modicum of Chicago blues.

14. Visuals Really Great 4.5
15. Content

16. Edge

    Sordid 3.2

    Four-hundred people get killed in very entertaining fashion: very entertaining fashion!

17. Sex Titillating 1.7

18. Violence Savage 4.0

19. Rudeness Nasty 3.8

21. Reality

    Supernatural 3.2

    There are animated movies more realistic than The Hitman’s Bodyguard.

    As to actual reality that it echoes, Gary Oldman’s ex-Soviet dictator has a disfigured face from being poisoned, a clear reference to former Ukrainian president Viktor Yushchenko, whose face was disfigured after being poisoned by Russia.

22. Circumstantial Surreal 2.5

23. Biological Supernatural 3.5

24. Physical Supernatural 3.7