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Created Sep 06, 2015 07:14PM PST • Edited Sep 06, 2015 07:27PM PST

1. Quality

2. Summary

   Barely OK 2.0

   After a 12 year hiatus from Terminator, Arnold is back…but maybe he should’ve stayed gone.

   We all knew this was bound the happen in the Terminator films. We’ve reached the point in the timeline when the Resistance sends back Kyle Reese to intercept Skynet’s T-800 in 1984 Los Angeles which, if you don’t already know, is the premise of the very first Terminator movie. The mission remains the same: protect Sarah Connor. However, timelines have been altered from all of the time traveling from previous films so the future and even the past are not what we expect. Now if that isn’t enough to try and wrap your head around, make way for a truck load of sub plots complete with plot holes!!! The worst part of this is that the advertising and marketing dept. ruined the best plot twist in the film by spoiling it in the trailers and posters! That’s not smart!!! Write that down, dumbass.

   With an ever aging Ah-nold, a poorly assembled script and crew, and sub-par special effects, this should have been titled Revelations because we can only hope that this will be the last of this dying, money grubbing franchise. Wait, we have to change the spelling like they did for Genesis. rEVILation. See?! it has EVIL in it!! That’s brilliant and clever!! Give me one of those damn gold medals as a reward for my genius!!

   Where does this series go from here? Hopefully to go die in a vault somewhere but we know studios will be hungry for more marketing dollars one day and they’ll seek this once Oscar winning series to further humiliate itself again and again.

   Do I recommend this film? It’s worse than Salvation and way too long for its own good. If you got 2 hours to waste though, check it out.

4. Acting

   Pretty Bad 1.5

   This stable of newcomers to the series are as stale as 6 month old saltines. Any real emotion they may conjure up is quickly tossed to the side to make way for the next eye rolling one liner. Oh yeah, it’s not just Ah-nold spouting off the corny lines that he’s known for, EVERYONE is sounding off. Hell, even the extras get in on it. It’s ridiculous.

   Speaking of Ah-nold, what the hell happened to him? I understand, people get old, that’s not what I’m complaining about though. I’m complaining that this minor league quality script along with a spineless director that let Arnold do whatever he wanted creatively has turned the onscreen juggernaut of awesome that was the Terminator into a laughable, silly big screen representation of one of those hundreds of Terminator knock offs. Is this all on Ah-nold? Mostly. If he really thinks people love seeing him say something corny and blow shit up he’s right, but when he’s the Terminator, he’s supposed to be a quiet, imposing machine of brutality with a side of sappiness (if he’s reprogrammed that way). I felt his T3 performance was as terrible as the “Talk to the hand” joke and nothing has improved here. In fact, his CG 1984 self in Genisys was more convincing and entertaining than the man himself.

   Our only rays of sunshine here are Byung-hun Lee and J.K. Simmons. Lee’s T-1000 performance is just as chilling and amazing as Robert Patrick’s in T2. His small stature means nothing when that emotionless stare focuses on his target and he strikes. Wish we could’ve gotten more of this character in the film. Simmons’ role is a bit part but his effective comedic delivery really made him stand out in a hodge podge of poor characters. Whether he’s playing Juno’s father or selling Farmer’s Insurance, this is one of the best supporting cast performers out there today.

5. Male Stars Pretty Bad 1.5

6. Female Stars Pretty Bad 1.5

7. Female Costars Pretty Bad 1.5

8. Male Costars Pretty Bad 1.5

10. Film

    Barely OK 2.0

    With a jumbled script, actors that can’t find their bearings, and a director that doesn’t seem to have the reigns, T-Gen is a horrible film in a technical sense. Why does this matter though? We’re talking about a Terminator movie! It’s about blowing up everything and breaking new ground in the world of special effects right? RIGHT?! WRONG!!!

    Folks, we’re in the year 2015. Video games have animations and effects that are more original and realistic than 90% of the effects found in the live action films of today. Hell, T2’s effects are still mind bending and better than what’s found here over 20 years later.

    As far as the soundtrack, it’s as good as your basic royalty free compositions with the infamous Brad Fiedel DahDah-Da-DahDah tossed in whenever Ah-nold takes the screen. This once amazing theme, like Arnold, has been reduced to nothing more than a tongue in cheek jab to audiences that reminds them “you once loved this, LOVE IT AGAIN AND GIVE US YOUR MONEY!”

11. Direction Barely OK 2.0

12. Play Barely OK 2.0

13. Music Barely OK 2.0

14. Visuals Barely OK 2.0
15. Content

16. Edge

    Risqué 1.7

    PG-13 kiddies. Mommy can turn it on, walk away and not worry about little Johnny turning into a twerking, pot smoking, Confederate flag hating, Isis recruit. You have to turn on the MTV Music Video Awards for that.

17. Sex Innocent 1.0

18. Violence Fierce 2.0

19. Rudeness Salty 2.0

21. Reality

    Surreal 3.0

22. Circumstantial Surreal 3.0

23. Biological Surreal 3.0

24. Physical Surreal 3.0