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Created Aug 23, 2015 07:38PM PST • Edited Aug 23, 2015 07:38PM PST

1. Quality

2. Summary

   Awful 0.0

   FYI: There is a lot of preface before the actual review here. Look for the line of NIGHTMAREs below to find the beginning of the review.

   Ok…It’s been a while since I’ve done one of these. Some of you might remember me as Johnny Pace/The Angry Movie Critic. Some of you are scratching your heads and saying, “Who the f*ck- what?” My point is, I’m a bit rusty and haven’t really felt the urge to review a movie for some time until I saw this shit. This half-assed…..let’s just get to it.

   I remember the overwhelming dread growing in the pit of my stomach when I learned of the green-lighting of this film in 2008. That dread turned into sheer terror when I later found out that Michael Bay would be producing it. How? Why? In some articles I had read on the web in 2009, Michael Bay nor Robert Shaye (long time producer and lifeblood of the Nightmare series) nor any other soul in New Line Cinema never bothered to even seek Nightmare creator Wes Craven’s blessings to do a remake of the film that put him and New Line Cinema in mainstream spotlight. Why does this matter? It’s called RESPECT. In other interviews, Craven was quoted that he, “has no interest in seeing the film at all.” Now is that quote taken out of context? Maybe, maybe not, you decide. But this isn’t just about Wes Craven. This is about the star of this franchise. The Man, the Myth, the Bastard Son of 100 Maniacs, Freddy Krueger.

   I was never a really big Freddy fan myself. I like my hockey mask and machete too much! However it didn’t stop Freddy from wowing me, scaring me, and making me laugh throughout my childhood. He’s a one of a kind character that has been seen in more shades of character than any other slasher. He’s been scary, funny, frightened, frightening, and in one sequel he was even a decent father….that is until he kills his wife in front of his daughter BUT I DIGRESS! Freddy has been portrayed in different ways throughout the years but one thing that has remained constant about his mythos through the years and films is that he’s a child murderer that was burned alive by the town parents. Watch any Freddy movie prior to this and they all say that. Nothing more, nothing less. Never “well we’re not sure if he did it” or “did he do bad touch?” These things have never been brought up before and why? Because every character in the franchise knows he was guilty and if that’s not enough Freddy will tell you himself in any of the prior films.

   Now that I got some of the main reasons why I’m going to bash this film’s “abby normal” brain in out of the way, let’s get to it!

   NIGHTMARENIGHTMARENIGHTMARENIGHTMARENIGHTMARENIGHTMARENIGHTMARENIGHTMARENIGHTMARENIGHTMARE

   If you don’t know the plot to a movie called A Nightmare on Elm Street, then you definitely paid to see this in theaters. Did you? (shaking head in disapproval) We open with a guy sitting in a booth at a diner. He’s all shaken up about something. After ordering a coffee his girlfriend walks in and he talks to her about what has him so scared and on edge. Of course the plot won’t allow her to fully understand this right now because she has to grasp this concept at a more inconvenient time like right before she dies. The guy slips into a nightmare and is met by Lord Voldemort wearing a fedora? That’s Freddy Krueger?! He looks like a botched plastic surgery operation that contracted psoriasis. Anyhow, Freddy kills this kid and we’re off to the races. Mind you, this is the best scene in the entire film and that’s not an exaggeration. There, now you don’t have to watch this movie.

   Soon after the death scene the script jams its poorly constructed characters and a half-assed, Scooby Doo-esque mystery plot down our throats for the next 90 minutes. Instead of the less is more routine that the original 2 films gave us, this film plays out like a supernatural Lifetime original movie.

   Our main characters are being hunted in their dreams and if they die while they sleep, they’ll never wake up again. Instead of trying to find ways to conquer and defeat Freddy though, our heroes get sidetracked by this ridiculous twist that Freddy is after them for revenge. Revenge for what? Wait until you get a load of this crap in a coffee can.

   When the kids were preschoolers, they used to play outside with Freddy at school. He was the janitor/groundskeeper/Mexican labor and seemed to love his job and being around the kids. Well accusations of abuse began to surface and Freddy was tried and released due to lack of evidence. The parents in town didn’t like that. Not. One. Bit. So they decided to overthrow the court systems and burn Freddy alive. Nice town. Really. Now the kids are wondering if their parents torched an innocent man. Why are they questioning Freddy’s innocence since they were the ones part of Freddy’s initial investigation? Because none of them remember a goddamn thing about their childhood. That’s right. Mass amnesia! How? Don’t know. Why? Because this stupid mystery plot device would never work without it!! It’s a race against time as the kids fight to stay awake and try to prove Freddy’s innocence (HA! I’m sorry, but using the word innocence alongside Freddy is too f*cking funny) before he kills every last one of them.

   Is this film good? LOL no. Is it shot well? eh. Is the acting good? LOL there I go again. Are the effects gruesome? They’re ok but forgettable..

   The production value is the real highlight with sets and lighting schemes. I’ll say that much. This film had decent imagery and cinematography. Unfortunately, the dream sequences are pretty lame unlike the quirky ones that were related to our characters in parts 3-5.

   I didn’t watch this movie for the first time until last year. I really didn’t want to watch it at all but as a reviewer you’re always inclined to watch and rate any film. Good, Bad, or just Goddamn Ugly.

   Do I recommend you to watch this movie?? If you’re any kind of Nightmare on Elm Street fan, no. If you’re a hapless movie viewer that has somehow avoided seeing any of the original Nightmare films, give it a shot, but don’t pay to watch it for God’s sake!

4. Acting

   Bad 1.0

   In the diner at the beginning of the movie we meet the lead lady, Nancy, our virginal blossom of womanhood who will later be put through hell and forced to find the strength and courage to fight evil face to face. Wait what? That’s not what we got here? Instead we have an icky emo teen that hangs out with preppy kids and doesn’t discover any hidden courage or strength later on in the film. Nothing like having your hero be the most boring and uninteresting person in the film. She has about the same depth as cast member Kid in Hallway #2. We don’t care if she lives or dies. We don’t really care about any of them. This film gives you no characters to care about.

   Even Freddy himself is really lacking on scare factor and can’t telegraph his lines to make him sound convincing. He just drones and mumbles through his ridiculous makeup. When he gets angry and yells it’s almost hilarious because he sounds identical to Christian Bale’s Batman. His small stature, his finger twitching and calm demeanor incites nothing but eye rolling in this reviewer. Is it fair to compare him to Robert Englund? Of course it is! Mr. Englund embodied this character and no matter how terrible the plot (Freddy’s Dead) or how ridiculous the plot (Nightmare 5, New Nightmare) Freddy was always on point and never missed a beat. Not here though. If not for the costume, this character is barely recognizable as Freddy Krueger. Is this Haley’s fault? Yes and no. Obviously you’re never going to get good dialogue direction from a guy who’s entire career has been directing music videos. Sorry Mr. Bayer but facts are facts. So without direction that leaves the actor to create and make the role and Haley…just reprised his role as Rorschach from Watchmen.

5. Male Stars Bad 1.0

6. Female Stars Bad 1.0

7. Female Costars Bad 1.0

8. Male Costars Bad 1.0

10. Film

    Barely OK 2.0

    Decent sets, The same kind of lighting and camera work you find in 90% of Michael Bay films. Expect the same lighting schemes you’ve already seen in Texas Chainsaw, Friday the 13th, and Amityville Horror remakes.

    There are two decent visual effects that pay homage to the original. The first is the reprisal of the quicksand stairs from the first film. The difference this time though is that it’s the floor in the hallway and it’s deep enough that Nancy nearly drowns in it. She doesn’t though, and ends up falling into the next effect which is the reimaging of the infamous blood geyser through the bed. This time the blood bursts from the ceiling but defies gravity and falls back onto the ceiling and it spits Nancy out onto the bed clean as whistle. Will these effects make a lasting impression? Not really considering I had to think hard to pick two decent effects.

11. Direction Barely OK 2.0

12. Play Barely OK 2.0

13. Music Barely OK 2.0

14. Visuals Barely OK 2.0
15. Content

16. Edge

    Sordid 2.6

    Sex? There is no sex. No steamy shower scenes, no wrestling in the sheets. There’s innuendo here and there but nothing hard. Get it?

    The violence tries to be more visceral and raw like in the first two films. Nightmare was never about the gore, it was about style and how Freddy would execute these elaborate kills. Freddy’s not elaborate here though. He doesn’t really seem to be enjoying himself either. His lines say he loves tormenting these kids but his body language and delivery indicate he’s just doing his job and has no enjoyment in what he’s doing.

    Is this film offensive? This reviewer found it offensive that proud child murderer Freddy Krueger has been turned into a child molester that denies ever doing anything bad until the end of the film. I’m sorry but that’s the last straw for me. Ruining his makeup? We saw that already in Freddy’s Dead and New Nightmare. Make his behavior go from dark and serious to light hearted and maniacal? Sure buddy. But when you change the origin and the foundation of who Freddy Krueger is then you should’ve never called it Nightmare on Elm Street. They could’ve called it Chester the Dream Killer or some shit like that.

17. Sex Innocent 1.5

18. Violence Brutal 3.1

19. Rudeness Profane 3.1

21. Reality

    Surreal 2.5

    This is the only category where the remake is on the same level as the sequel. While the story is a bit more over the top than the original, it keeps the real world and nightmare world physics the same as the original. Wow, something I don’t hate about this movie. I’ll be damned.

22. Circumstantial Surreal 2.5

23. Biological Surreal 2.5

24. Physical Surreal 2.5