ViewGuide

Created Aug 20, 2014 11:41PM PST • Edited Jun 05, 2017 01:16AM PST

1. Quality

2. Summary

   Very Good 3.5

   Two charismatic moviestars leading a super-strong cast; only-in-Florida story; Miami Vice visual stylings: not enough to push Michael Bay’s Pain & Gain over the top into greatness. At 129 minutes, it’s almost a third too fat. Two hours and 9 minutes is too much to ask when it comes to psychopathic entertainment.

   An hour-and-a-half sure, especially when Mark Wahlberg & Dwayne Johnson bring their A games, supported by a classic Ed Harris & a delectable Bar Paly. But two plus hours is too much.

   Pain & Gain purports to tell a true tale from nine months in ’95 & ’96. Michael Bay then tarted things up, almost to his typically surreal Bayesian level of presentation, which makes for lots of naughty laughs.

   The script is chockablock with quotable proclamations, mostly from Wahlberg’s cunning conniver, who is prone to All American upbeat nostrums that he perverts into violent felonies. Here’s a typical highlight.

   In the end after reviewing our past performance, we could come to only one conclusion.
   We’re so much better when we wing it.

   The nearby highlight vid includes this and more. The IMDb quote page documents those and plenty more.

   The whole thing’s just a little too gleeful and more than a little too long in its powwow with psychopathy. Yet that’s how Michael Bay’s movie is now celebrated on Twitter. If that wasn’t what he intended, he’s in an “Out, damned spot!” situation, just like his characters. What do you think the chances are of that?

4. Acting

   Great 4.0

   Mark Wahlberg is pumped-up to near Schwarzenegger levels as bodybuilding trainer Daniel Lugo, a guy with more cunning than smarts. Wahlberg makes him much more likable than he has any right being.

   Anthony Mackie plays his numnuts buddy, a guy who injects PEDs in his butt yet still doesn’t look like Mr. Olympia. Mackie makes this roid-addled meathead more likable than he has any right being.

   Dwayne Johnson plays their Herculean recruit, a coke-head whose recent attachment to Jesus isn’t too firm. Johnson makes this almost sympathetic soul terrifically likable, which don’t seem right either.

   Supporters

   • Tony Shalhoub slays as their obnoxious yet indomitable mark.
   • Ed Harris anchors the movie as Ed Du Bois, the real life Private Detective who broke the case. Harris turns this real man into a classic cinematic icon. Wow.
   • Bar Paly as a former Miss Budapest who snuck into the country to be a stripper and is seized with the American Dream
   • Rob Corddry as the owner of Sun Gym, where it all went down
   • Rebel Wilson as a horny BBW
   • Ken Jeong as a TV huckster
   • Michael Rispoli as a phone-sex king
   • Keili Lefkovitz as his surgically enhanced girlfriend
   • Emily Rutherfurd as Ed Harris’s wife, Cissy DuBois

5. Male Stars Great 4.0

6. Female Stars Great 4.0

7. Female Costars Great 4.0

8. Male Costars Perfect 5.0

10. Film

    Very Good 3.5

    Michael Bay achieves near Michael Mann visual style in Pain & Gain. The opening scene of Wahlberg doing sit-ups while hanging high on an exterior wall is cinematic pop art.

    The eminently quotable screenplay kicks butt also. It’s all just too long.

    Compare and contrast: Seven Psychopaths is 110 minutes, nearly half-an-hour shorter than Pain & Gain.

11. Direction Very Good 3.5

12. Play Very Good 3.5

    • “A lot of homo stuff, a lot” LOL
    • “I meant it when I said it, swear to God.” another great line

    Pete Collins wrote the magazine articles about these real-life homicidal bozos.
    Christopher Markus & Stephen McFeely turned it all into a screenplay.

13. Music Great 4.0

    Perfect use of the Stones’ Can’t You Hear Me Knocking

14. Visuals Great 4.0

    • Flash of Barry Bonds as the 50/50 man in SI
    • 17 stuntmen
15. Content

16. Edge

    Sordid 3.3

    The magazine article on which Pain & Gain is based documents the grilling of hands in order to burn off the fingerprints. Michael Bay was only too happy to include that in the movie. You’ve been warned.

17. Sex Erotic 2.7

18. Violence Savage 3.7

19. Rudeness Profane 3.5

21. Reality

    Glib 1.7

    Michael Bay purportedly tells a true story in Pain & Gain, so keeps things glib overall, mostly by keeping Bio and Physical reality near normal. But fooling with the facts elevates CircoReality well into surrealism. Wikipedia documents that considerable artistic license.

22. Circumstantial Surreal 2.4

23. Biological Glib 1.5

24. Physical Glib 1.3