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Created Apr 27, 2014 01:37PM PST • Edited Sep 15, 2022 10:49PM PST

1. Quality

2. Summary

   Perfect 5.0

   Brilliant vampire movie, thy name is Only Lovers Left Alive. Literate, laconic and full of lusciously languorous lassitude, it presents as ageless and au courant. Jim Jarmusch’s undead triumph introduces four vampires, though the V word is never used: Adam & Eve, Kit & Ava. Trust me, they are cooler than thou.

   Tilda Swinton’s Eve is forevermore the gold standard in Vampire Brides, the ideal vampire wife.

   Tom Hiddleston’s Adam is even more a rock-god than his Loki in Thor, only Adam is reluctant.

   I’ve never been much of a vampire fan and even less a Jim Jarmusch fan, so a Jim Jarmusch vampire movie sounded like a bad idea on its face. Instead, Jarmusch’s perfectly conceived and executed vampire story makes Ann Rice’s Interview with the Vampire look like People Magazine, er, Vampire Magazine, in comparison. Jarmusch’s perfectly conceived story means his reach never has to extend beyond his grasp. Yet, like a Shakespearian production, it works as a font of cheap thrills and allusive entertainment both.

   Brilliant Vampire Movie

   • Brilliant Turn Number 1: The vampires refer to humans as Zombies. Human Zombies? Of course.
   • Brits as Vamps: `Nuff said. Maybe not enuff: Tom Hiddleston, Tilda Swinton, Mia Wasikowska and John Hurt are from the Commonwealth realms of England & Australia. Hiddleston is perfect.
   • Forrest Vamps: Jarmusch has much fun playing with Adam and Kit having authored many pillars of Western civilization in the literary and music realms. They’re like undead Forrest Gumps.

   Humans who don’t normally go for vampire movies may want to see this one. A smart, sexy, sophisticated story, coupled with Swinton and Hiddleston’s perfect performances, make it a rare and truly special movie. They also make it Jim Jarmusch’s best movie ever. Hell, Only Lovers Left Alive could even be his epitaph.

   Don’t fear this reaper. Only Lovers Left Alive deserves many human followers, though it won’t get them. Its seven year gestation period might be nothing in a vampire’s lifespan, but Jarmusch’s biblical fight for funding seems to have left his flick high and dry from a promotional POV. OK then, cult classic it’ll be.

4. Acting

   Perfect 5.0

   Tilda Swinton leads the pancake makeup and teased hair crowd. Her sophisticated lady-about-town vampire Eve is a moviestar creation worthy of the actress who became Orlando.

   Tom Hiddleston is entirely credible as Adam, a guy who is a rock god and romantic poet simultaneously. Or would that be sequentially over several centuries? Either way, Hiddleston perfectly plays the louche Brit.

   Supporters

   • Anton Yelchin is likably earnest as a zombie, er, human, who will do anything for him.
   • Mia Wasikowska is dangerously sexy as Eve’s unhinged sister Ava.
   • John Hurt puts just the right notes of regret into Christopher Marlowe, vampire. Oh, lots of fun to be had with that one. All the world’s a blood sucking stage, as it were.
   • Slimane Dazi is touching as Kit Marlowe’s human caretaker.
   • Jeffrey Wright is good for more than a little comic relief as Dr. Watson, Adam’s uptight supplier.

5. Male Stars Perfect 5.0

6. Female Stars Perfect 5.0

7. Female Costars Really Great 4.5

8. Male Costars Really Great 4.5

10. Film

    Perfect 5.0

    Jim Jarmusch’s perfect vampire film isn’t especially scary, which some may view as a flaw but I view as inconsequential. Vampires appeal to us because they are übermenschen who live amongst us, look cool, have plenty of spending money and thrive after midnight. Darkly attractive bon vivants, as it were.

    Jarmusch’s conceit is to have them nearly human: i.e. with superhuman abilities, of course, yet in need of phones and airliners. Thus we have the spectacle of a vampire with an iPhone, a white 4S I believe.

11. Direction Perfect 5.0

12. Play Perfect 5.0

    Lots of literature and culture jokes, mostly by name dropping: Byron, Shelley and Shakespeare are all grist for the mill, Schubert as well.

    Present day “culture” comes in for some very funny ribbing when Ava the vampire feels terrible after drinking a key guy.

    “Of course you do” admonishes her sister, “he works in the music industry.”

    Now that’s funny.

    Jarmusch naming his lead vampires Adam & Eve: now that’s devilish.

13. Music Perfect 5.0

    Name drops Jack White, who oddly doesn’t contribute any music. The darkly hypnotic music is actually by Jozef van Wissem, with contributions from Sqürl.

    Most intriguing are two ancient singles that Adam & Eve find irresistible. Chestnuts both.

    • Charlie Feathers’ Can’t Hardly Stand It
    • Wanda Jackson’s Funnel Of Love

14. Visuals Perfect 5.0
15. Content

16. Edge

    Risqué 2.4

    Not much blood and even less gore: Jarmusch’s Only Lovers Left Alive gets by on guile instead of guts.

17. Sex Titillating 1.8

18. Violence Brutal 3.0

19. Rudeness Salty 2.5

21. Reality

    Supernatural 3.3

    Modest CircoReality liberties admirably ground Jarmusch’s movie, even if he goes all in with classical vampiric Physical and Bio reality liberties.

22. Circumstantial Glib 1.6

23. Biological Fantasy 5.0

24. Physical Supernatural 3.2