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Created Jan 12, 2014 11:41PM PST • Edited Jun 01, 2023 12:50AM PST

1. Quality

2. Summary

   Great 4.0

   Bucket List for Wise Guys is how to think of the great genre spoof Stand Up Guys. From perfect title to iconic moviestars, Fisher Steven’s film from a rookie writer’s script smartly uses Pacino, Walken & Arkin. Plus he surrounds the three elders with nubile ladies, some of them ladies of the night. What’s not to like?

   Pacino dances with a beautiful girl a la Scent of a Woman. In fact the whole movie riffs on classic movies the main men starred in over the decades, Pacino most of all. It’s kind of a love letter to Big Al’s career.

   Moviestar moments from all three Academy Award winners trigger lots of fun, especially if you’ve seen The Godfather, Scarface and the other antecedents. Walken is delightfully weird yet supremely capable in that odd-walking, Walken way of his. Arkin only became a big star late in his career, yet is now iconic. Amazingly, it’s just been half a dozen years since he burst out of Little Miss Sunshine.

   Then you look over there and see who the ER nurse is the ultimate ER nurse in an ideal ER nurse role.

   Single-note plot, sure, yet one that shimmers with detail and depth, especially delivered by a first class cast. Al & Co. play – embody – seniors who say outrageous things with well-earned weariness. Some things they do get excited about, like the dick-growing conversation in the living-room of a cat house.

   The continuous deadpan grows grows stale after a while. Then Pacino outs with a great line if ever there was one – “We’re here to fucking consequence them.”

   Geezer comedies like Stand Up Guys, Last Vegas, Robot & Frank and Space Cowboys back in the day are genial treats. This one also features three young actresses who are incipient stars, plus another who’s been an actual star for a long time now. That much star power makes it a crime comedy worth standing up for.

4. Acting

   Perfect 5.0

   Al Pacino plays a scriptwriter’s fantasy of a Pacino character, a highly professional criminal with major stones, major bones and who has just completed a major stretch. Name’s Valentine, friends call him Val. Pacino nails it, natch. It only takes him half a bottle of Viagra, then makes the extreme erection funny.

   Christopher Walken plays a scriptwriter’s fantasy of a Walken character, a genially loopy dangerous guy. Walken’s Doc from Stand Up Guys is a suitable valedictory to an increasingly delightful career.

   Alan Arkin plays their onetime wheelman, now consigned to a nursing home he’s desperate to escape. Recently widowed, he’s ready to put his manly equipment to work again.

   Outstanding Supporters

   • Julianna Margulies as Arkin’s daughter, the Good Daughter, an ER Nurse to boot. Perfect casting!
   • Mark Margolis as a vindictive crime boss with the wonderfully evocative name of Claphands.
   • Lucy Punch as a Madame and daughter of the old Madame. Aspiring sexy-librarians should study her performance closely.
   • Addison Timlin jumps off screen as the sweetest, cutest diner waitress in all of L.A. She’s A-DOR-A-BLE!! Addison Timlin is a starlet ready to rocket to stardom.
   • Vanessa Ferlito plays a tough grrl who receives the gift of retaliation.
   • Craig Sheffer cameos as a guy who deserves serious retaliation.
   • Cuties
     Weronika Rosati, Katheryn Winnick, Courtney Galiano, Lauriane Gilliéron, Aliya Astaphan

5. Male Stars Perfect 5.0

6. Female Stars Perfect 5.0

7. Female Costars Really Great 4.5

8. Male Costars Really Great 4.5

10. Film

    Great 4.0

    Fisher Stevens directs from rookie writer Noah Haidle’s well-conceived and executed script. Their film is courtly, like old guys often are, especially stand-up old guys.

    Forty minutes in, when they boost a hot ride, it triggers a deep smile. This comes after some legit laughs when they explore what happens when you get an erection that lasts more than 4 hours.

11. Direction Great 4.0

    Fisher Stevens has 87 acting credits on IMDb to only ten directing credits. Just three of those are feature films. One is filming right now. Another is Stand Up Guys, which proves he can direct.

12. Play Very Good 3.5

    “They say we die twice, once when the last breath leaves our body and once when the last person we know says our name.” Quality writing, that.

13. Music Great 4.0

14. Visuals Great 4.0

    15 stunts, 22 drivers & 3 standins

    Good sized 2nd Unit

15. Content

16. Edge

    Sordid 3.2

    Strongly sordid in a pleasantly potted sort of way. That’s what you get when a movie centers on Christopher Walken.

17. Sex Erotic 3.1

18. Violence Brutal 3.0

19. Rudeness Profane 3.5

21. Reality

    Surreal 2.6

    Deeply surreal.

    Movie reality aside, crime drama is an excellent proxy for game theory. You kill him or I kill you sets up the double-cross and sometimes the reverse double-cross. Everybody’s playing angles.

22. Circumstantial Surreal 2.7

23. Biological Surreal 2.9

24. Physical Surreal 2.1