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Created Aug 18, 2012 12:21PM PST • Edited Feb 28, 2016 05:28PM PST

1. Quality

2. Summary

   Very Good 3.5

   I missed 1.0 but 2.0 made for 1 helluva fun night at the movies.¹ We’re talking manly duets out the wazoo.

   • Stallone and Statham
   • Stallone and Hemsworth, Liam Hemsworth
   • Stallone and Van Damme
   • Stallone and Lundgren
   • Stallone and Willis
   • Stallone and Schwarzenegger (a name that exists in the Mac spellchecker)
   • Willis and Schwarzenegger
   • And on and on

   Expendables? Hardly, they are the movie. Call it an irony hiding in plain sight.
   -————————-

   ¹ Winchester 21 to be particular, best big screen in Northern California. Row 8. Center.

4. Acting

   Great 4.0

   • Sylvester Stallone, as Barney the skull-obsessed head mercenary, still has his granite physique and ability to deliver action lines, which he trades with each and every other star.
   • Jason Statham as Christmas, his right-hand man, delivers straight lines as effectively as he delivers killing blows.
   • Charisma Carpenter fetchingly plays Statham’s cheatin’ wife. Great name for a gorgeous actress.
   • Jet Li’s briefly seen character is named Yin Yang, which gives a sense of how deeply tongue is buried in cheek throughout the movie.
   • Dolph Lundgren exists more for comic relief than fighting ability.
   • Chuck Norris is one of several big names who do little more than cameo, to great effect.
   • Jean-Claude Van Damme makes a very effective villain named Vilain. Tongue-in-cheek, natch.
   • Bruce Willis disappoints, having been given the thankless role of bigwig asshole. However he does get a chance for a subtle wisecrack or two towards the end.
   • Arnold Schwarzenegger also disappoints, trading in “I’ll be backs” one too many times.
   • Terry Crews effectively hangs with the big names, not least because of his NFL physique.
   • Randy Couture as Toll Road gets maybe two lines in the entire movie.
   • Liam Hemsworth as Bill The Kid, what passes for a heartthrob in an unsentimental movie like this. Thor’s younger brother is going to be a major star, not to mention Billy Ray Cyrus’s son-in-law.
   • Scott Adkins as an effectively hissable bad guy.
   • Nan Yu as a Chinese mercenary, no doubt to perk up box office in Beijing, Shanghai & Hong Kong. Unfortunately she’s challenged in the charisma department.

5. Male Stars Really Great 4.5

6. Female Stars Good 3.0

7. Female Costars Very Good 3.5

8. Male Costars Really Great 4.5

10. Film

    Very Good 3.5

    Fun? Yeah, sick fun. No shortage of workable LOLs and some really good ones too in a just OK script. Really great visuals and IndyJones’ quality hyper-reality make Expendables2 a cinematic delight. Really.

11. Direction Great 4.0

12. Play OK 2.5

13. Music Very Good 3.5

14. Visuals Really Great 4.5
15. Content

16. Edge

    Risqué 2.5

    Big surprise, Ex2’s R rating is due to its savage violence. Remember, these are the guys who pioneered the Corpse Shield. Now that’s entertainment.

    While the sex is nonexistent, Ex2 exists as a classic specimen of action porn.

17. Sex Innocent 1.3

18. Violence Savage 4.3

19. Rudeness Salty 2.0

21. Reality

    Surreal 3.0

    Apparent reality that’s nearly supernatural, aka IndyJones’ quality hyper-reality. How they do that? Start with over a hundred stuntmen, add in three dozen sculptors and countless other techs and you’re almost there.

    What is hyper-reality? See my reality commentary on Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull.

22. Circumstantial Surreal 3.0

23. Biological Surreal 3.0

24. Physical Surreal 3.0