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Created Jun 30, 2012 05:34PM PST • Edited May 04, 2018 10:07PM PST

1. Quality

2. Summary

   Really Great 4.5

   Comic genius, thy name is Seth MacFarlane, the writer, director and voice of Ted, a wildly ill-behaved “living” teddybear. The movie’s conceit is that a grown man’s arrested development gets enabled by this magical best buddy, who has taken on nothing but bad habits since leaving chronological boyhood behind.

   Wake and bake? Check.
   Blow off work? Check.
   Avoid commitment? Check.
   Indulge prejudices? Check.
   Live vicariously? Check.

   Fortunately MacFarlane’s creation – coupled with a tremendously appealing cast – makes for a flat-out hilarious movie. Often appalling, yes. But the LOLs flow like beer at a keg party.

   Indeed, Ted never fails to take the low road, which often turns out to be the LOL road. Spunk, junk, punks, hookers, farts, bongs and blow are all grist for the mill. It’s a high comedy of low blows.

4. Acting

   Really Great 4.5

   Mila Kunis’s Lori is with Mark Wahlberg’s Johnny because he’s the hottest guy in Boston and never fails to surprise her, which he is, the hottest guy in Boston that is. We’re talking Marky Mark here. Dude’s built like a brick shithouse. He looks like he’s wearing pads or something. Guns? Granite howitzers.

   If she’s not the hottest girl in Boston, she’s damn close, plus she’s cool as hell and with a great job.

   From an acting POV, they get to play it straight, leaving all the punchlines to Ted and a panoply of great supporting characters.

   • Patrick Warburton as one of Wahlberg’s coworkers at the rental-car agency. The man who played Puddy on Seinfeld is surefire funny.
   • Jessica Barth as Tami-Lynn, a hottie who doesn’t care that her furry lover lacks male equipment.
   • Bill Smitrovich as her angry boss at the supermarket.
   • Patrick Stewart as the deadpan Narrator.
   • Sam J. Jones plays himself. Who’s he? Why the hunk who starred in Flash Gordon back in 1980.
   • Giovanni Ribisi as a creepy guy who’s had an obsession with Ted since he was a kid. Ted is the second Boston movie starring Mark Wahlberg this year in which Ribisi plays a creep, the other being Contraband.

   Then there are the cameos, including Ryan Reynolds and Tom Skerritt, the latter as himself and the former as not himself, we think. Norah Jones cameos as one of Ted’s many satisfied lovers. Right. Also loved the Carson Show cameo, especially after just having watched Johnny Carson: King of Late Night.

   Lastly a shout out to young Bretton Manley as Wahlberg’s character as a boy, and to Ralph Garman as his Dad, who gets off one of the movie’s first LOL lines.

5. Male Stars Really Great 4.5

6. Female Stars Really Great 4.5

7. Female Costars Really Great 4.5

8. Male Costars Really Great 4.5

10. Film

    Really Great 4.5

    Ted is a brutally effective comedy of American excesses, circa 2012. Touching on Facebook and iPhones, it makes great sport of adolescent behavior that extends well into adulthood, along with obesity, parental indulgence, hypersexuality and materialism. Bravo.

    Of course, the man-child’s buddy is a standin for his own id, his very own Ted-Id-Bear. IOW, he’s dragging around his id like a bad habit. Brilliant, that.

11. Direction Perfect 5.0

12. Play Great 4.0

13. Music Very Good 3.5

14. Visuals Perfect 5.0

    A huge FX team brought the animatronic Ted to life. Kudos. The little bastard does indeed look lifelike. Having him climb the light tower above Fenway’s Green Monster was an especially wicked touch.

15. Content

16. Edge

    Sordid 2.7

    Ted accumulates its sordidness by scoring highest in Rudeness and lowest in Violence, with Sex in the middle. That’s how you make a Hard R comedy these days.

    About the rudeness, it’s a celebration of bad habits. You know what they say about bad habits? They’re exciting, even from a bigoted buffoon. Put it this way, even a Hollywood jerk like Bill Maher would find Ted’s utterances out-of-bounds.

17. Sex Erotic 2.6

18. Violence Fierce 1.6

19. Rudeness Nasty 4.0

21. Reality

    Supernatural 3.7

22. Circumstantial Surreal 3.0

23. Biological Fantasy 4.1

24. Physical Supernatural 4.0