ViewGuide

Created Apr 30, 2012 08:50PM PST • Edited Nov 22, 2018 12:51AM PST

1. Quality

2. Summary

   Pretty Bad 1.5

   All for one and one for … naught. Paul W.S. Anderson’s CGI-crazy take on The Three Musketeers has some great visuals to recommend it and gobs of silly gimmickry to destroy it. The gimmickry won, meaning the viewer loses. Steer clear.

   The movie consists of cockamamie action scenes interspersed with jaw-dropping images of the Louvre, the Tower of London, 17th century Paris and other European marvels. It’s almost worth watching for these historical views, but not quite.

   A largely second rate cast and a failed infusion of superamped CGI means the movie deserves to fade into history, even though it self-consciously sets itself up for a sequel.

   Sequel? Non merci!

4. Acting

   OK 2.5

   There’s not a francophone in the cast of this largely French story. Instead we get Brits playing French, Germans playing French, even an American playing French, but no French playing French. Pitié

   Highlights, such as they are:

   • Milla Jovovich as a sexy spy. Jovovich is also Mrs. Paul W.S. Anderson.
   • Ray Stevenson as Porthos, the superstrong Musketeer.
   • Orlando Bloom as Buckingham, the British Crown’s negotiator in Paris.
   • Mads Mikkelsen as Rochefort, an evil officer of the guard.
   • Christoph Waltz as Richelieu, the King’s devious prime minister.

5. Male Stars OK 2.5

6. Female Stars Good 3.0

7. Female Costars OK 2.5

8. Male Costars Good 3.0

10. Film

    Pretty Bad 1.5

    The highlight of the movie are shots above and inside Paris, London and various landmarks, e.g., The Louvre, the Tower of London, etc. Anyone familiar with these landmarks will be fascinated.

    Its lowlights are futuristic contraptions that would make the makers of Wild Wild West blush. Guy Ritchie’s Sherlock Holmes uses a light touch by comparison.

11. Direction Barely OK 2.0

    Horrormeister Paul W.S. Anderson should stick to his regular genre.

12. Play Pretty Awful 0.5

    There may a clever script to be made from the Three Musketeers, but this ain’t it. Not close.

13. Music Barely OK 2.0

14. Visuals Very Good 3.5
15. Content

16. Edge

    Risqué 1.7

    The violence would be much higher if the scores of people killed by sword and other personal weapons were shown bleeding and dying.

17. Sex Innocent 1.5

18. Violence Fierce 2.0

19. Rudeness Salty 1.6

21. Reality

    Fantasy 4.2

22. Circumstantial Surreal 2.6

23. Biological Fantasy 5.0

24. Physical Fantasy 5.0