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Created Apr 25, 2012 07:32AM PST • Edited May 05, 2014 04:07PM PST

1. Quality

2. Summary

   Very Good 3.5

   Dumb & Dumber. And dumbest. The Farrelly Brothers’ Three Stooges movie is funny, funnier, funniest. Well not really, but plenty enough for fans of the original. (Like me. What’s it to ya’) Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk.

   Hello. Hello! HELLO! Their silly depression-era S&M comedy gets dropped into today’s iPhone world like a fish out of water, yet many of the bits still work. Facebook? Poke me. Success. Success! SUCCESS!

   The Farrellys don’t interpret the Stooges, instead putting a nyuk-for-nyuk homage to the original on-screen. Well, they do insert some definitively current stupidity along with the Stooges’ old school stupidity.
   [SPOILER ALERT] Yes, Moe joins the cast of Jersey Shore. Who you calling stupid? Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk.

   Think of The Three Stooges as fractious Teletubbies for preadolescent boys-of-all-ages. If that appeals to you or you’re a fan of the original, hightail it on over to the multiplex. If not, steer a wide berth baby.

4. Acting

   Very Good 3.5

   A trio of characters originated by Jews are played by three goyim: Greek, Irish and Italian. What, there were no Semites available? Why, I oughta!!!

   • Chris Diamantopoulos makes a suitably pugnacious Moe, albeit he’s too handsome for the role.
   • Sean Hayes makes a suitably understated Larry, nigh on unrecognizable from his Will & Grace days.
   • Will Sasso makes a largely lovable Curly.

   Sophia Vergara’s femme fatale puts her extra-large Sophia Lorens in harm’s way tangling with the Boys. Her va-va-va-voom body and heavy accent convey gold-digger, extra-large.

   Larry David is suitably irritable as a put-upon Nun.

   Then there are the copious bit players.

   • Jennifer Hudson as a Nun who gets to briefly exercise her peerless pipes.
   • Kate Upton as a smoking hot Nun.
   • JWoww, Snooki and the Situation as their own kind of Stooges.

5. Male Stars Great 4.0

6. Female Stars Very Good 3.5

7. Female Costars Very Good 3.5

8. Male Costars Good 3.0

10. Film

    Good 3.0

    The Stooges’ métier was the short. They wear out their welcome in a feature. The Farrelly Brothers get around this by making their film a compendium of three shorts, the first covering the boys’ time at the orphanage, the second their foray into the real world, and the last their heroic turn in the limelight. This keeps the tedium at bay while providing sufficient opportunities to essay the Stooges’ distinctive bits.

    Still, they’re only good in small doses, meaning the LOLs are episodic and a bit far apart, even for fans.

11. Direction Very Good 3.5

    The Farrelly Brothers can take pride in The Three Stooges, but Dumb & Dumber or There’s Something About Mary it’s not.

12. Play OK 2.5

    Unsentimentality is the joke. Hence we get Sister Mary-Mengele, S&M humor, orphans for life, and cripples.

13. Music Good 3.0

14. Visuals Great 4.0
15. Content

16. Edge

    Risqué 2.1

    All phony. Heck they even demonstrate at the end how to fake poke someone in the eyes.

17. Sex Titillating 1.8

18. Violence Fierce 2.4

19. Rudeness Salty 2.0

21. Reality

    Supernatural 3.2

    The PhysioReality and BioReality are well into the supernatural, while the CircoReality is merely surreal.

    Politically, the movie leans Left though it can’t avoid occasionally lurching Right. For instance, expensive health insurance is the dastardly reason behind the orphanage getting shut down. But it turns out that the Stooges’ prolifically injurious behavior is the cause of the insurance going through the roof, suggesting that personal responsibility can be fairly linked to health care pricing.

    That doesn’t stop the Farrelly Brothers from taking random pot shots at the Right, including having Sophia Vergara’s rich bitch lodge her nose in The Weekly Standard as bedtime reading.

22. Circumstantial Surreal 2.6

23. Biological Supernatural 3.4

24. Physical Supernatural 3.5