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Created May 30, 2011 09:10PM PST • Edited May 06, 2022 04:28PM PST

1. Quality

2. Summary

   Barely OK 2.0

   Slog-a-thon. Johnny Depp, great costars, fabulous visuals: all for naught. The fourth installment of Disney’s thrill ride franchise reinforces much, mostly that more is not more when it’s a mess.

   A convoluted plot about the search for the Fountain of Youth scaffolds countless action sequences, supporting endless Capt. Jack Sparrow quips. Some of the latter are funny. After all, Depp in eyeliner remains a charmer. But bland action sequences become boring, the jungle rule of Action-Adventure.

   Looking to get out of the hot sun this summer? Choose another blockbuster.

4. Acting

   OK 2.5

   What a waste of great stars.

   • Johnny Depp deserves better.
   • Penélope Cruz never catches fire as Capt. Jack Sparrow’s enemy and ex-lover. How’d that fine thing get messed up?
   • Ian McShane doesn’t disappoint as Blackbeard, but he doesn’t come across as hugely loathsome either, notwithstanding some dastardly deeds that are a bit much for a family movie.
   • Geoffrey Rush returns as Capt. Jack Sparrow’s rival pirate, bad teeth and all. Not one of the great Rush’s great roles, if you ask me.

   The rest of the large cast mostly fade into the impressive scenery. A few manage to stand out.

   • Keith Richards gamely cameos as Johnny Depp’s dad. For some of us, this was reason enough to see the movie, especially because Depp modeled Jack Sparrow’s addled demeanor and eyeliner look on Keef himself. Richards gets in a great line about the Fountain of Youth, which he and the Stones must have sampled somewhere along the way given their unending rock-n-roll careers.
   • Sam Claflin looks to have leading man potential based on his earnest performance as a man of Bible.
   • Astrid Berges-Frisbey is sweetly lovely as a mermaid-in-distress.

5. Male Stars Good 3.0

6. Female Stars OK 2.5

7. Female Costars OK 2.5

8. Male Costars OK 2.5

10. Film

    Barely OK 2.0

11. Direction OK 2.5

12. Play Bad 1.0

13. Music OK 2.5

14. Visuals Great 4.0
15. Content

16. Edge

    Risqué 1.9

    A bit risqué for a Disney movie, PG-13 rating notwithstanding. Bad guys get swords run through them. Not-so-bad guys get immolated by flame throwers. Think twice before bringing the littler ones.

17. Sex Innocent 1.5

18. Violence Fierce 2.5

19. Rudeness Salty 1.7

21. Reality

    Supernatural 4.0

    Why’d they have to turn mermaids into a cross between vampires and sharks? Way to harsh the buzz, dudes.

    The movie did send me to Wikipedia to read up on Blackbeard. The guy is fascinating in his own right. Why doesn’t Hollywood make a reasonably realistic movie about the Golden Age of Piracy? Kind of a Jolly Roger Master and Commander.

22. Circumstantial Surreal 2.9

23. Biological Fantasy 5.0

24. Physical Fantasy 4.1