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Created Dec 24, 2010 08:13PM PST • Edited Jul 29, 2018 12:01AM PST

1. Quality

2. Summary

   Very Good 3.5

   Superstars at the height of their stardom made The Witches of Eastwick a stargazer’s delight in the late 80s. The starfucking combination of Nicholson, Sarandon, Pfeiffer and Cher still makes for a deliciously naughty movie.

   It’s also funny as hell, especially the middle reel when Nicholson’s man of wealth and taste rolls into a perfect New England town to seduce the local ladies. Did Jack sleep with ‘em all? Cher, Michelle and Susan? Oh right, it’s only a movie. A large part of the fun however is how these larger-than-life stars channel our celebrity conception of them.

   Thus The Witches of Eastwick pits the seductive hedonism of Tinseltown against the “prehistoric morality” of middle America. Nominally a comic updating of the Salem witch trials, the casting of a legendary Lothario and three legendary leading ladies as his witchy harem turns the movie into a parody of Hollywood itself.

   Cher spouts the “prehistoric morality” put-down even before her character encounters the Devil, making it seem like something a Hollywood liberal would say in real life, a la the “clinging to guns and religion” gaffe made in the last election by their favored presidential candidate. Indeed, the witches come across as protobama types, confident of their progressive superiority over the town’s hypocritical moralism.

   Not to worry, the sanctimonious melodrama rarely gets in the way of the well crafted entertainment. How well crafted? It’s clear from the opening that the Devil will copulate with each witch. Of these, Sarandon has the best seduction scene with Nicholson. From the moment he spreads her legs (to place a cello between them), to her devilish solo after he gets her bowing like hell, it’s hot and funny.

   Bottom line: The Witches of Eastwick plays like an R-rated Mary Poppins. It’s a devilish treat for adults.

4. Acting

   Great 4.0

   • Nicholson doesn’t make his entrance until 20 minutes in, spiking the movie with verve and comic energy. He goes on to deliver several fabulous, funny Nicholson rants. Classic.
   • Sarandon makes the most impressive witch, her transformation from tightly coiffed and wound spinster into flamboyant sensualist a wonder to behold.
   • Cher seems to just be playing Cher, not that there’s anything wrong with that given the story’s need for a liberated, liberal libertine.
   • Pfeiffer underwhelms a bit, seeming neither especially maternal (a mom with six kids) nor sly.

   Amongst the supporting players, Veronica Cartwright is more annoying than loathsome as a sanctimonious woman-possessed, while Richard Jenkins fails to impress as her put upon husband. OTOH, Carel Struycken jumps off the screen as a Lurch-like manservant.

5. Male Stars Really Great 4.5

6. Female Stars Great 4.0

7. Female Costars Good 3.0

8. Male Costars Very Good 3.5

10. Film

    Very Good 3.5

    Much of the film plays like a parody of a Hollywood bacchanal. Interestingly, these aren’t girls getting seduced. They’re woman, with kids and exes. While it’s understandable that a comedy wouldn’t suggest any negative consequences from the witch’s libertine behavior, their almost complete lack of maternal activity strikes a demonstrably false note. One of them has six kids, for goodness sakes!

11. Direction Very Good 3.5

12. Play Very Good 3.5

    Not having read John Updike’s source novel, one wonders if he wrote cinematically brilliant lines like:

    We ALL make mistakes. Of course, when WE make mistakes they call it evil.
    When GOD makes mistakes, they call it… nature.

13. Music Great 4.0

14. Visuals Great 4.0

    From the beautiful opening zoom into a perfect New England town through to the devil’s flamboyant mansion, the film looks grand.

15. Content

16. Edge

    Risqué 2.2

    Salty dog pronouncements, much implied sex (never actually shown), and lots of humorously played projectile vomiting make The Witches of Eastwick richly risqué.

17. Sex Erotic 2.6

18. Violence Gentle 1.5

19. Rudeness Salty 2.5

21. Reality

    Supernatural 3.2

    Black magic at play. Gentle black magic, but black magic nonetheless.

22. Circumstantial Supernatural 3.1

23. Biological Surreal 2.9

24. Physical Supernatural 3.6