ViewGuide

Created Dec 07, 2010 07:59PM PST • Edited Dec 10, 2010 10:46PM PST

1. Quality

2. Summary

   Barely OK 2.0

   Life is a cabaret ol’ chum, but Burlesque ain’t. Unlike Bob Fosse’s classic, this awkward knock-off can’t muster a single memorable song, criminally underuses its cast, and is poorly produced.

   Oh, it has the winsome Christina Aguilera, she of the powerhouse voice. And it has the ageless Cher, she of the frozen face. And it has a few impressive production numbers.

   Those positives make it an OK date movie, and perhaps a fine ladies night destination. Everyone else, steer clear.

   Better yet, rent Cabaret and revel in what Burlesque aspires to be.

4. Acting

   OK 2.5

   Christina Aguilera has a charming screen presence and a huge voice. But her pipes don’t really work for this kind of performance since they’re more of the blues powerhouse than the showtune variety. Want to see her in her element? Check out the duet she performs with Mick Jagger and the Stones in Shine a Light.

   Cher looks like she’s lip-synching even when she’s not because of how rigid her face has become.

   Stanley Tucci is nearly wasted as a straight sounding gay man. Where’s the charming flame he played in The Devil Wears Prada?

   Alan Cumming’s screen time is criminally cut down to a couple of cameos and a well done song-and-dance number. Still, he’s clearly playing the Joel Grey role here. Why not let him spread his wings?

   Cam Gigandet plays an appealing boy toy. The guy’s got charisma.

   Everyone else fades into the background.

5. Male Stars OK 2.5

6. Female Stars Barely OK 2.0

   Christina Aguilera was Good, Cher was Bad.

7. Female Costars OK 2.5

8. Male Costars OK 2.5

10. Film

    Pretty Bad 1.5

    First time director Steve Antin will no doubt be returning to his acting career after creating this disappointing film.

11. Direction Bad 1.0

12. Play Bad 1.0

13. Music Very Good 3.5

14. Visuals OK 2.5

    The choreography and stage costumes are imitation Fosse, all bowler hats and fishnet stockings.

15. Content

16. Edge

    Tame 1.4

17. Sex Titillating 1.6

18. Violence Gentle 1.0

19. Rudeness Salty 1.6

21. Reality

    Glib 1.3

22. Circumstantial Glib 1.9

23. Biological Natural 1.0

24. Physical Natural 1.0