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Created Nov 14, 2008 05:52AM PST • Edited Nov 15, 2008 04:57PM PST

1. Quality

2. Summary

   Pretty Awful 0.5

   I will first say that I am a huge fan of the first two Blade films. I think they are incredibly cool and very fun to watch. The first girl I ever took on a “real” date was to the first Blade. I’m also kind of a sucker for comic movies because I know the histories behind the titles and the characters. So it is very safe to say that I went into this movie with high expectations. It is also very safe to say that I hated myself after for watching this movie. It was terrible. The story isn’t good on its own, but to have it following the first two films makes it that much worse. Now I have heard about the problems associated with this movie (Goyer wasn’t allowed to make the movie he wanted to because it was too dark), but that does not excuse this miserable film. Snipes is bad as hell as Blade. Reynolds is funny and got ripped to shreds for this role. Biel is hot and she kicks some booty and still they could not make a good film. This (along with the 3rd Pirates movie) is the ideal film for my newest drinking game – Every time you think “I can’t believe I’m watching this” you have to take a shot. You’ll make it about 15 minutes in. Really, its that bad.

   To read about the other flicks and to get an idea why this movie makes me so angry, check out my other reviews : Blade and Blade 2.

4. Acting

   Barely OK 2.0

   Now this is the only part of the movie that had anything I thought was passable. There are some atrocious performances (Parker Posey), but there are a few that aren’t too bad.

5. Male Stars Very Good 3.5

   Wesley Snipes is the man. He’s cool and tough and the perfect fit for Blade. He seemed a little out of it on this one, but with Goyer still a relatively new director and the story being what it was, its forgiveable. I still love seeing this guy killin vampires.

   Ryan Reynolds is my hero. As bad as this flick was, he still gave it his all. He pulled off the tough guy just as well as he pulls off the jokes. Some of his lines are incredibly over the top and unrealistic, but he delivers them with style and helps you get through the flick. I’ll be honest too, he is hot smothered in hot.

6. Female Stars Barely OK 2.0

   Jessica Biel was a great choice for this role. She’s tough as nails and extremely hot so its really fun to see her tear it up. Her character was kind of a waste of time, though. From the first scene where you see her downloading music into her iPod to fight to (obvious advertisement), you really don’t like her too much. She could have been much more.

7. Female Costars Awful 0.0

   Parker Posey is awful. Every time she comes on screen you will want to stick forks in your eyes. She’s really that bad. She is over the top and painful to watch. If she were a cousin of mine, she’d be the one I wouldn’t invite to the wedding, but would probably show up anyway and make things really weird.

   Natasha Lyonne also severely wasted as a blind gadget person. I can’t even remember what she did in the movie, just that they made her blind to drum up some sympathy for when she bites it. Didn’t work.

8. Male Costars Bad 1.0

   I like Dominic Purcell in Prison Break. Like him quite a bit. As Dracula? Awful. He really tries too hard here to be an uber bad guy and it just doesn’t work. He delivers his lines like a body builder in a gym with something to prove. Dracula should be tough and scary, but he should have some kind of social charm I think. Part of this is that he does not fit my idea of Dracula, and part is that he really just didn’t deliver.

   I don’t even know why Patton Oswalt was in this movie. Waste of time.

10. Film

    Barely OK 2.0

    It didn’t look nearly as good as the previous two movies, but it was still okay. I think its a terrible freakin idea that the final showdown (THE final battle with Dracula) takes place in a damn office building, but the fights looked okay. The choreography was still pretty decent and if you turn the sound off it actually is kinda fun to watch.

11. Direction OK 2.5

    Goyer doesn’t seem to know how to direct characters. Parker Posey was over the top. Biel just kinda wandered through the pic. Purcell is capable of so much more. That being said I don’t think he did a terrible job. I think he did well for what his limitations were and probably learned a hell of a lot from the experience.

12. Play Pretty Awful 0.5

    Unrealistic. Unnatural. Over the top. Trying to be cooler than it actually is. Any of those fits.

13. Music Very Good 3.5

    Blade movies always seem to have good music and this one was no exception. It wasn’t original by any means, but it carried on the tradition well enough and was enjoyable.

14. Visuals Pretty Bad 1.5

    Del Toro really pushed things with the 2nd Blade. He designed new breeds of vampire, he worked with CG/live action merging for the fights. Almost gave a surreal wrestler/street fighter feel to things. This movie actually took a step backward and kept things very simple. They tweaked the “ashing” of the vamps a little bit, but overall it was kinda more of the same. Nothing terrible interesting.

    Oh, and Dracula looked dumb. He was a giant purple spikey guy. I don’t get it.

15. Content

16. Edge

    Sordid 2.8

    The edge here was mostly in the language. Not a whole lot of violence, just a bunch of potty mouths.

17. Sex Innocent 1.5

    Jessica Biel is sex personified, but not so much in this movie. She’ll chain you up and smack you around a bit, but not during the flick.

18. Violence Brutal 3.0

    Okay amount of violence. Most was against vampires, though, so you don’t get the blood and guts, you get the “ashing” effect. Ryan Reynolds does get the crap kicked out of him at the end, though. That was kinda brutal.

19. Rudeness Nasty 4.0

    There really was no call for most of the language. It was over the top really just for the sake of being over the top. Some of the things Reynolds calls Posey at the end were just uncomfortable. You kinda think she deserves it by that point because her performance is that bad, but its still kinda awkward.

21. Reality

    Supernatural 4.0

    Its a movie filled with vampires so you gotta expect some distance from reality. I can see the parts where they tried to base things in reality (like the lineage of all vampires to Dracula), but then went past the biological reality established in the 1st two movies saying that if you kill Dracula you kill them all . . . huh? How does that make sense in any biological capacity? This one didn’t seem to pay as much attention to basing things in reality as it did just getting to the fights and the jokes.

22. Circumstantial Supernatural 4.0

23. Biological Supernatural 4.0

24. Physical Supernatural 4.0