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Created Oct 26, 2011 07:59PM PST • Edited Oct 26, 2011 07:59PM PST

1. Quality

2. Summary

   Pretty Bad 1.5

   Cheeseball lines, gross story manipulation, and extensive overuse of CGI effects reduce this years edition of The Three Musketeers to nothing more than a summer fluff piece aimed at the tween crowd.

   Taking generous liberties with the original story, this edition features the trio of Aramis, Porthos, and Athos (Luke Evans, Ray Stevenson, and Matthew MacFayden respectfully) being joined by the young upstart D’Artagnan (Logan Lerman). Sworn to protect the King of France, they clash repeatedly with the personal guards of Archbishop Richelieu (Christoph Waltz), along with the threat of invasion from the English Duke of Buckingham (Orlando Bloom). Eventually resorting to fancy sci-fi ships, the film goes from the comical to the absurd before the halfway point.

   The original story is a classic, and has been told through far better versions that this one, dumbed down to make it more palpable to the masses. The problem lies in its far fetched special effects, the wandering loss of accents for many of the key players, and a fantastical over-obsession with campy dialogue.

   Interesting observations, beyond the aforementioned wandering accents, are the costuming choices. Apparently in an effort to help us realize whose side each of the groups is on, the film chooses to use the brightest contrasting blue and red uniforms for each of the opposing armies. Over the top bright, just in case you couldn’t understand who was who.

   The sets themselves, along with the costuming of the lead characters, are impressive, although methinks much of the scenery and background must be CGI.

   In the end you end up with a candy store-type movie…sweet to look at, but syrupy and bound to make you sick by the end.

4. Acting

   Barely OK 2.0

5. Male Stars Barely OK 2.0

   Three of the main four stars are ok, with Logan Lerman as D’Artagnan being the weak link.

6. Female Stars OK 2.5

   Milla Jovovich plays M’lady, a character who appears to rely more on her good lucks than on her acting ability.

   Gabriella Wilde plays a far-to-small role as Constance, the love interest of D’Artagnan who never gets her character fully developed.

7. Female Costars OK 2.5

8. Male Costars Barely OK 2.0

   Christoph Waltz never really finds his stride in his role as the religious leader who wants control of France. Orlando Bloom fairs a bit better in his role as the suave English enemy, Buckingham.

   Freddie Fox plays an interesting role as the King of France, portraying him as a boyish child who obsesses over wearing the right clothing, and keeping up with Buckingham. An interesting role.

10. Film

    Barely OK 2.0

11. Direction Pretty Bad 1.5

    Blame for this fiasco has to lay at the feet of the Director, Paul W.S. Anderson, known more for his Resident Evil and other violent films. This mess doesn’t fit into the mold of something you would think he would be directing.

12. Play Barely OK 2.0

    Remember how the fourth installment of Pirates of the Carribean kinda floundered around for a story? The same thing happens here. While the film tries to present elements of a story, it has to resort back to sword fights and giants ships to hold our attention.

13. Music Good 3.0

14. Visuals OK 2.5

    A mixed bag here. While the bright contrasting colors of the opposing armies was a bit overdone, the sets and other costumes were noteworthy.

15. Content

16. Edge

    Risqué 2.0

    Stick to the PG-13 rating and don’t bring younger kids to see it.

17. Sex Titillating 1.8

    No nudity, but a lot of corsets and cleavage.

18. Violence Fierce 2.4

    Lots and lots of sword play with men being killed, however there is almost no blood, and no violent detachment of limbs (ala *Braveheart).

19. Rudeness Salty 1.7

    A couple of “S” words.

21. Reality

    Supernatural 3.1

22. Circumstantial Surreal 3.0

    While there are some elements of history accurate, more that is portrayed is fictional.

23. Biological Surreal 3.0

24. Physical Supernatural 3.4

    I can appreciate the need for super swords men, but the Matrix-esque fight scenes are a bit over the top.